My Sister---I love her dearly

I always have her on my mind...she is my beautiful sister and i thank God all the time for giving me her....she and I are like what a nail is to the grime underneath the nail...i am the nail she is the grime...just kidding patti lol...anyway I will talk about her later...got to get out of work its 6pm

My first trip to my Psychiatrist

I visited psychiatrist Nancy and she told me many things that I guess I already knew... :( It is hard to deal with the past but sometimes you have to in order to deal with ones future. Being molested by my father was very difficult to deal with...especially on my own. My mother and older brother James never gave me the support nor solidarity that I needed from them. So in retrospect it is as if I was abused twice. It was hard for me to speak up and tell anyone, yet I managed to tell on him when I was seven years old. It was hard to give him up because he was in fact my "daddy." At the time I loved him dearly...even though he didn't love me back considering what he did to me. According my psychiatrist my mother is very cold, self centered, weak, ego-centric, and always the victim type of person. When I told my mother what was happening...she at first told me to tell the proper authorities...after I didn't get a proper investiation for my case...and detectives decided not to do anything for me...my mother gave up on me too. She always always made it apparent to me that she didn't believe anything happened to me...that it was all a lie....she would even bring it up when i misbehaved and said that I probably deserved or lied about this issue too. She would even allow my father to come to the house for certain fixes around the house...she never once asked me if it was ok or even not consider ever allowing him over again...since he did molest me and have some solidarity to her daughter....Odd for me to lie about something like this because I was only seven...how could I lie about something like that. My brother also hated me for even speaking out...he thinks I ruined the family....but I think how did i ruin the family...my mother was remarried and didn't have a relationship with my father....plus...what did he want me to do...just take it for the family...allow my father to continue to molest me....and possibly rape me????!!!?? I think my brother is a total jerk...my psychiatrist thinks that he is just a mirror image of my mother. My psychiatrist also believes that the reason for my mother's reaction or behavior towards me is because when I told on my father....it rocked her world...an earthquake happened and she couldn't pick up the shambles and aid it. I have had to deal with this betrayal all my life...and for this reason I can not deal with my mother nor brother. My brother is very distant to me...he hates my guts and doesn't want anything to do with me...he rather be close to strangers than try to have a relationship with me...he has always been against me with everything...especially my molestation issue. Ever since I was young he always sided with m mother...to always be on her good side...Sad enough I have always been on my own....On a brighter note...I have accomplished many things on my own...with my sweat and my strength and support from strangers....My psychiatrist feels that my mother and brother are jealous of my accomplishments because...they were unable to do it themselves...and perhaps my mother would of wanted her son (my brother James) be as independent self determined as myself. My brother wishes he was me... :(---My psychiatrist said for me to stay away from them (mother and brother)...because I started to get certain thoughts....because my mother and brother have not supported me nor believe about my molestation...My mind has started to play tricks on me...I have actually started to feel like maybe it didn't happen...but then I get into reality and sadly enough it is true...there are too many accounts and proof to deny what happened. Although, at first it was my personal choice to stay away from my mother and brother...because of issues that recently happened with them both talking behind my back in an ill mannered way, it is sad that a even a psychiatrist tells u to. The only question on my mind is if I will ever feel comfortable talking to them again since I am the one receiving treatment and the are not. I will have a new better mindset...yet they will still be set in their ways...it will be an ongoing circus...! :(

I am lucky though....my baby has been there every step of the way...giving me support, hugs, kisses and much more haha....but the support is there...and I will always be very thankful to him....I am also thankful to those who have also supported me. Especially, Mrs. Carr...or should I say MOM...she deserves that title...she has been there always...and I love her for that...I will post how I met her later...but she is a wonderful person...just like my baby!!!!

Someone very Special and Dear to My Heart

I also refer to him as my "BABY"....I never thought that I would ever feel this way...it is unbelievable how strong and quick everything has happened...We match in so many ways...we feel the same exact things...we are identical...in so many ways...he is very passionate, giving, strong, respectful, beautiful, timeless, encouraging, supportive....and much more! What makes this feeling even more beautiful...is the fact that we haven't been intimate...as much as perhaps either one of us would want to...the way we feel would be the same if we had. The intensity of waiting to become intimate makes our love for each other even more powerful. I want everything for him...I want him to be happy, prosperous, strong, loved, and most of all me! I love you baby...and miss you mucho Paito!

Mi Tio Victor---Always Remembered and honored!

The loss of my uncle to stomach cancer...was a huge heartache for me. He was definitely the spirit you don't want to lose. He was those type that made everything live...made the party a party...made you feel special in every sense of the word. He gave me strength when no one else in my family would. He told me that I would be an accomplished and beautiful woman some day. Without trying to be modest...well ok maybe I am...but...it did happen. i can still remember his laugh...his sarcasm....his undying love...and most of all...his Strength...his unbelievable strength...and will to live....when I think about it...it is very odd to me not to have him living anymore...I know that life is precious and can go at anytime...but...I guess were are never prepared to accept it. I guess I even feel selfish to want him back here...but also at times I feel relieved that he has passed because of all the agony he had to go through which he never deserved...with the will of God...he will rest in peace...he left behind 3 wonderful son's and sweet wife who love him and miss him dearly...btw...you will see more blogs about my uncle b/c he is very special and dear to my heart!

Graduation

Graduation has been a great accomplishment for me. I did it on my own. Some believed I couldn't do it...but thanks to God for giving me the strength and patience to finish school...I finished. My greatest motivation was the fact that I am very independent...and want to be able to survive always on my own...with a diploma that is always possible.